But what if it isn't true?

It's Valentine's Day. And I can't pretend that it's my favorite day of the 365. Every year, I see singles posting really triumphant empowering posts, celebrating their singlehood on this day. While they're meant to be encouraging, I think only about 50% of them are genuine. The other 50% are probably more in line with what I truly feel, which is that this is a very lonely and isolating holiday.

You see, I feel good about myself, my accomplishments, and my singlehood about 300 days out of the year. However, there is a definitely a few of those days, Valentine's included, where I feel really shitty about the way circumstances are.

Already a couple times today, I've read "uplifting" posts from well-meaning people, telling me that one day I will find my person. One day, the desires of my heart will be met and I will have a family of my own. But what if it isn't true? Who is to say that life will work out the way I want it to? I don't actually believe this.

Because life doesn't always happen the way you want it to. Sometimes we are met with hard things and have to face those fears. The fear that I will never have kids of my own, that I will often feel uncomfortable at plus one events, that I will never get to split expensive San Diego rent, and that ultimately I will go through life without someone choosing me as their forever.

I'm thankful today for my perfect job, my perfect friends, my perfect family, and this perfect city I live in. 300 days out of the year this all makes me really happy. But sometimes it feels like not enough. And there's a chance that it will always have to be.

Six Years Later....

25 is weird. Really, bizarre. Not quite sure if I’m supposed to be settled, not quite sure if I’m supposed to be living some vagabond, adventurous lifestyle of exploration. Every buzzfeed article I read tells me I should veer toward the latter. “17 reasons to quit your job and travel” “25 ways to know you’re not ready to settle down!” Click bait. Click bait. Click bait.

25 is an exciting time. As I go to sleep right now, I await the arrival of a special little girl who is in the process of being born. My best friend is anxiously anticipating the birth of her first niece, and I am thrilled. We’ve already scoured the racks of Target together, in search of the cutest little gal clothes. We laughed aloud as we sorted through peplum dresses and peacoats…for 3-6 month olds. I mean come on, why does a 3 month old need an outfit suited for a middle aged wedding attendee? But oh man, was it cute! At 25, you are old enough to be an aunt, and that is indeed special.

25 is a disheartening time. A lot of emotions re-surfaced this week surrounding a breakup. Seeing my first love, a year after we’d broken up. Wanting to be his friend….hearing from him that “friends” is not in the cards from us. Seeing pictures of him with a new someone. Disconnecting via social media. 25 is the time you make relational decisions that have long term strings attached. You break up with the person who may not be the right fit for that potential, elusive, “forever.” And you doubt that decision at every twist and turn that life throws.

25 is a narrowing time. At 25 I’ve defined my closest friends. I know who they are, and I know what it means to have quality relationships. I know that unfortunately some friendships fade and that’s ok. It’s acceptable and isn’t a negative reflection on anyone. At 25, I’m happy living with my best friend. I know that it means constant laughter and minimal stress. I say things like, “How sad when we have to get married and move out and can’t live with each other anymore,” because that’s how great it is to live with your best friend, at 25, in a tiny shoebox of an apartment by the beach. Because when your best friend is your roommate, she knows when you put on workout clothes with no intention of breaking a sweat. She knows that for you, Fridays nights are for lounging with Netflix and Saturdays nights are for dancing on tables. She knows that you lie about your height on your Hinge profile and that swiping was only meant to be done side-by-side, laughing all the while.

At 25, I treat my dog like he is my kid. At 25 I’m still allowed to have days where I wish I was on track to having an actual kid but know that I’m nowhere close. At 25 I have a professional career, but am still looking for more meaning in the workplace. At 25 I breakdown crying on a monthly basis for the hardships that overwhelm the families in my vicinity. I listen as each friend tells me of their loved ones who have been checked into rehab, sentenced to jail, are battling issues of mental health, have taken their own lives. 25 has meant a lot of pain and sorrow, for hurting adults. And at 25, you’re not shielded from this knowledge and you are not immune to the effects.

At 25, I’m documenting 25. All of the weird, fun, and unique aspects of being 25. And that’s all there is to it.

quick update!

I leave for my first day at my service site in a matter of minutes! I am so anxious to get there and see what they will have us doing and meet the ladies and children that we will be working with! We were told that the women's Aids support group meets today, so we'll likely be meeting them on our first day, but who knows! I'll find out soon enough! My lunch is packed with a peanut butter and jellly sandwich (which I'm likely to get tired of very rapidly after packing one every for service site) and I have tennis shoes on my feet. I'm saying a prayer and I think that's about the best I can do to be prepared for this day!

Say a prayer for me if you think about it today,
actually, if you could say a prayer for everyone going to their different service sites today, that would be great.
LOVE

Love is the only shocking act left on the planet

The people that I am here with in South Africa are beautiful. Absolutely, some of the most beautiful hearts. It makes me just well up with emotion when I see what kind, loving, and considerate people I am here with.

Blessed!

Do you remember this post?

"I felt as if today He (God) was speaking to me again, and telling me exactly where He wanted me to be the next month. We have service sites that we will volunteer at for the next month and recently we've been visiting the 5 different service sites so we can figure out which one we want to request to work at. RivLife seemed great today, I thought it was so amazing, but the funny thing was, after we left, a lot of the other students that I talked to said that they didn't like it and were confused by the whole place. haha. Funny the way God works: gave me a love for a place that others didn’t like? We'll see if I actually get placed at RivLife where I want to be."

Well, the answer is YES! I did get placed at RivLife! And I couldn't be more thrilled. I can not wait to begin and get out there in the community!

Here's the site if you want to check out what type of stuff I'll be doing :)
http://www.rivlife.com/about.html

I am also so glad that I'll have such a great group of people going with me to RivLife. Eight people got picked to go to this service site and it is such an amazing group! Going to RivLife with me is:

Carisa Hoogenboom
Alyssa Weibe
Staci Beukers
Daniele Duble
Nicole Herrman
Emma Cook
Sarah Moll

I love them so much already, I can't wait to see how these relationships will grow as we work and experience all of this together.

Majesty Manifested

First hike of South Africa! It was the best day here yet! It was so incredibly beautiful. It didn't look real. The sky was SO blue with big puffy white clouds (like the kind you would draw in pictures when you were little) and everything else was vibrant green! Oh gosh, it was surreal. It was nice to do some physical activity, we hiked and then we got to climb this one giant rock thing, and then we randomly got to swim! I say randomly because there was the perfect river that flowed through the Drakensburg mountains that we got to down to. None of us wore bathing suits so we all started by just putting out feet in the water. Then, Brett decided, "I want to go in!" So he took off his shirt and got right in. No other boys joined, but some of us girls were jealous. We all complained "How come girls can't just do that?" But we said "Who cares, we'll just get in with all of clothes. So, Daniele, Cynthia, Emma, and I all got in at the same time and slid down the natural rock slide!!! It was a blast! The current was so strong that it would just push you down the river and it was hard to resist it and stop yourself! Oh man did we laugh. We were ALL smiles, having the best time. It was a long soppy ride home, but so so worth it. I love these adventures and the fun friends I get to go on them with.

Confession or Encouragement! Or Both!

Okay, so as mentioned in a previous post, I'm part of the Activities Committee and on Friday, we put together a bonfire! There is this giant (and I mean really giant) bonfire pit on campus that we wanted to make use of. We had everything ready.....wood, lighter, chocolate/marshmallows/graham crackers.....BUT we didn't test out the fire pit before hand and just assumed it would work fine. Well, we tried to get the fire a goin' but initially had a lot of trouble making the fire. It's been raining so the firepit and the wood in it and such were all too wet to hold a good fire. Some of the boys worked really hard to get it going and while we waited, we spontaneously started doing trust falls!

You'll remember that I said this was a giant firepit, so the sides of it stood about 4 feet high. Well some people were up there standing on it, and others were down below. One of the boys, Logan, looked down at us standing below and said something about wanting to crowd dive, and everyone basically said "Go for it!" So, we all stuck our arms out and told him to do it more like a trust fall: Turn around and slowly fall back onto us and trust us to cath him. Chelsea had the bright idea of making him tell a confession before he fell (She got the idea from Mean Girls, so if you've seen that movie, you know what I'm talking about! ). He went ahead and told his confession and fell! We caught him, dont worry. But, after that, Alex went. Then I went. Then EVERYONE went! Honestly I wish I had a video of that night, IT WAS SO FUN! We would pick out someone we wanted to go and start chanting their name - literally the whole group would chant their name and we must have done around 40 times. We were all basically at the bonfire and there's 53 of us. Hearing everyone's confession was hilarious! Here were some of the highlights as far as confessions....

Logan: "I download lost every week and that's why the internet broadband is so slow!"
Tanya: "One time, I did a workout video in the prayer chapel!"
Daniele: "I've stolen cookie dough from the kitchen more than once!"
Jake: "I still don't know everyone's name!"
Tony: "I still sleep with a baby blanket! and it's pink! and I'm a boy."
Allie: "I have 5 bags of flaming hot cheetos hidden in my chalet!"
Staci: "My confession is, my mom really does have it going on!"


Such a great great night! My confession was picked for me before I could really think about it. Tanya shouted, "Come clean about how you sleep with your eyes open!"
Okay, so, truth time: SOMETIMES, i sleep with my eyes half open. This is not something I usually tell people because I find it kinda creepy and embarassing but whatevs. Now you all know! My lovely roomie figured out this hidden talent of mine on the second night here. It's pretty funny now :)

Those are some of the best pics, even though there were so many good ones! After the trust falls, the fire was going and we had a wonderful rest of the night around the campfire, with s'mores ( we roasted our mallows on real pieces of branch! haha), and singing along with Emily and Jon's playing of guitar and drum. A very good night.