My first sad goodbye

It's thursday. Tomorrow is friday, which means I go home. And I won't officially be back at school til next september. I live close so I plan on coming back a few days before I go to South Africa to say bye to some of the people on campus, but there's some that are leaving to study abroad during Christmas break that I won't get to see.

Today Molly Ramirez walked into my room and just about broke my heart with her teary eyes.

Sherine came into my mod to say bye and all I wanted to do was snuggle with her on the couch. God Bless her on this leave of absence

Tonight I said bye to one of my great friends, Matt, who is awesome and I'll miss him so much.




Today was semi-sad. But still had good times with these friends too. Future days and goodbyes are approaching and I don't want them too.

19 years 11 months

^ That was cool to see. I went to the dentist today and all my info popped up on the dentist's little computer screen. Guess what I saw....Bianca Portal, 19 years 11 months.
I'm rapidly approaching the Big 2 decade birthday! sweet :)

Cat got my tongue

I got asked the other day, as a friend and I killed time, waiting for Hanson to come on stage and grace us with their presence, "What has been the best day of your life?"
I had a hard time remembering what has been the best day of my life. I know I've had lots of great days! But it was hard to think of one right then. There have been so many times that I've come home and thought to myself, "I had to have just experienced the best day." Well, since the concert, I've come up with two big ones, that were pretty recent.

1. Meeting Stephen Christian - one of my role models. He's the lead singer of Anberlin, founder of a non-profit organization, great author, talented song writer, and all around good Christian role model who lives out what he talks.

2. Going to see the Price is Right with 14 of my good friends. The thing that made it MOST exciting was that Josh got onto the show! He won close to 6 thousand dollars! It was so fun and so amazing

Those are a couple big days that I don't want to ever forget...so here they are...in written form.

mer

wow I sound very negative in my last post. But, it was authentic. I'm feeling good now. I'm loving being home. I seriously have the most amazing family ever :) Nice night catching up with Alexa too.

nauseous

sick and sick and sick of fighting with people.

there's no compassion in this world.

nope. i'm definitely not perfect.

but seriously.

exceptional sociology class today

Ever heard of the blue eyed/brown eyed experiment?
Please please please go rent and watch the video Blue Eyed if you haven't seen it.
Very good depiction and very moving.

But not in that temporarily moving way.

If you actually engage in watching this movie, my guess is that it will affect your daily actions and be relatively difficult to forget quickly.

Other points I remember from class today
-"When a person see's a large-framed black man walking at night, on the sidewalk in the oncoming direction, what does he or she tend to do? Walk to the other side of the street. When a large black man walking on the sidewalk at night happens to being walking behind a person, what does he or she tend to do? Constantly look over his/her shoulder and eventually walk to the other side of the street/go anywhere away from him." How the hell is a person supposed to feel like they're equal to everyone else and able to attain success like everyone else when they're constantly being demeaned? They're constantly FIGHTING. Would you want to fight against the institutions of this world, while concurrently working in other areas of your life like work, school, and relationships. They are doing double the work if not more. How can a person focus on being successful when they're constantly being looked at like they are lower, treated like they are lower, spoken to like they are lower. Eventually, it's going to sink in enough, and many will begin to believe these lies. These are the lies that Satan so powerfully feeds into us...and many times he uses people as vessels to do his malevolent work.

-"Would you ever want to switch lives with a black male and be treated the way society typically treats black males for the rest of your life?" My professor told us that he has asked this question to many of his classes over the years and not a single person over the years has stepped up and said, "Yes, I want to be treated like a black male." My professor pointed out, as is pointed out in the video as well, simply admitting that you would not want to be treated like a black man for the rest of your life, acknowledges that discrimination still exists. No matter how many times I hear people say that it doesn't anymore!

Thats just two I've been thinking about. And yes, I recognize that both of the examples I quoted happen to have been ones made concerning black men. This is not only a black/white issue. But, these were the two examples I wanted to get down on "paper" before I forgot. The movie though...that's what was incredibly compelling to me today. Go.Rent.It.

High Low

So...I'm an Alpha Leader. And, today I asked my Alpha group to go around the circle and give one "high" point of their week, and one "low" point of their week. Everyone did just that, and then it came to me. When it was my turn to give my high low, I started with my low. However, my "low" wasn't much of a low. I talked about how I had pulled my first all-nighter of the year, but really, although it was for homework purposes, it was really fun! I stayed up with Moriah and Michelle Appleby, and I just love both of them. Earlier that evening I had worked on the Bible project with Kaitlin Schluter and Carrie Kunzmann, who I also think are just wonderful. We worked together as we drank Chocolate Chai! YES, chocolate chai! Amazing, right? If you don't think so, I bet you'd think otherwise after allowing the sweet concoction to hit your lips.

After sharing my "low" with my group. I had to talk about my "high" - which was definitely the most difficult part because I couldn't decide on just one! (I know, I'm really lucky, and I absolutely don't mean to brag - I'm just really happy right now). The first thing that came to mind was going home on Friday night and seeing my amazing family who I love love love spending time with. They are so amazing and I'm so incredibly thankful for them. Not to mention, being home in general just feels good! Saturday I slept in til 10:30 and stayed in my pajamas til I left at 6pm. Haha, you can judge me, I don't mind. I also watched 3 hours worth of tv shows, which sounds awful just as write this. I almost NEVER watch tv, but my family kind of watches it a lot. So, when I went home they had lots of new tivo-ed shows that they said I should watch. Suprisingly, I completely enjoyed it! Normally, I get so bored and restless just watching tv, but I was in the mood for a relaxing, lazy, day.

The night before that was really awesome too. I watched my little bro play football and he got TWO INTERCEPTIONS! Amazing, right? He did so good and was so happy :) I love to see him happy. I admire him so much. Especially for his strength in high school. I was just talking about him this morning to my friend Alexa. Her sister is a sophomore and has been recently trying to manipulate Alexa into covering for her to their parents so she can go out and drink. As I listened to Alexa wrestle with how to best handle the situation, I was so thankful for Brandon, even though I always am. We talked about how both Alexa and I had it easier in high school in regards to the pressure to party/drink/smoke/what have you. We weren't in that crowd that was involved with that stuff. I didn't have any friends who did that stuff until mainly my last year. I only had to deal with the pressure for like a year or so. I admire Brandon because he is accepted by that crowd, but still refuses to conform to their ways.

I also spent time with wonderful friends this week! I had a lovely one on one with Mr. Stephen Potts who I just happen to think is fantastic. We danced in the car to "Down" as we made our way over to Chipotle. I mean, how can you go wrong with Chipotle?! I also got to spend quality time with Alexa, as mentioned above. I appreciate her so much as a friend and it's great to still have a good relationship with someone from home. I love my APU friends (more and more each day!) but there's something cool about having a friend who has spent years with you, experienced a lot of the same things as you, witnessed a good amount of your life and you theirs, and has grown up in the same vicinity as yourself. I like it a lot :)

My week was wonderful. How was yours?

Veggie Stew

So I think my last post will make a lot more sense after I say this next statement. Or maybe this statement will make a lot more sense after reading my last post. I'm not really sure either way. Anyway...

I changed my major to Social Work!!!

Like my last post says, I've changed so much it's ridiculous.
If I were to pinpoint the start of the change, it would be the first day of Bridges. Bridges is a week of training for my position as an Alpha Leader. The whole trip is a secret - we knew we were going to San Francisco and that was about it. We were never told what type of training Bridges was going to be, and, even while on the trip, we were never told the next activity that was coming up or even what the current time was. No watches, cell phones, make-up, hair products, SHOWERS. Yup, it was quite a humbling experience, but humility is definitely something I could never have a complete understanding of. While on Bridges, we did something different everyday, but the premise of the trip was to work with the homeless population in the Tenderloin district of San Francisco. Wow. The way I viewed the district the first day of the trip, in comparison to the last, altered immensely. I can't say that all of a sudden, I have this perfect, grand, outlook on life and those who are less fortunate. I am absolutely still learning. My knowledge of what it is like to be a part of the homeless population, and of how to best serve the under-served is extremely limited, but I feel blessed to have been able to experience Bridges and my naive mind was taught so much.

Growing up, I was always taught that when I saw a homeless man on the side of the road, I was to walk quickly, not make eye contact, and answer "no" when asked if I had money to spare. This was basically my thinking up until the point of Bridges. I very much understand where my parents were coming from in teaching me these tactics. First of all, their main concern was to keep me out of harms way, not the man sitting on the street. They felt that this was the best method in protecting me. Secondly, this way of thinking is most common around where I have grown up. I would venture to say that it is most common in our western culture, but I'm no sociologist. It's incredible to think, however, that I had "such a big heart" for companies like Invisible Children and TOMS shoes, and I dreamed of traveling abroad to help the "poor people in other countries" when I wouldn't even acknowledge the poor who I saw here.

That is one thing I learned for sure - people just want to be acknowledged! Remind them that they too are important. They ARE valued in the community. Others are upset when they hurt and rejoice when they are happy. They are real HUMAN beings. How degrading is it that I simply looked the other way and walked on by homeless persons MULTIPLE times in my life, even when they were verbally calling out to me. NO ONE deserves to be ignored. I feel so ridiculous about this because I am so strongly an advocate for making others feel important. I absolutely can not stand when someone is degraded or made feel as if they anything less than sons and daughters made in God's image. I hate bullies. I hate stereotypes. I hate embarrassment. I even hate awkward moments: I hate seeing people in that uncomfortable state. But, who was I to say that only that only most people deserved to be respected. If you would have asked me, I would have vehemently insisted that ALL people are valuable and should be lifted up instead of torn down. It makes my heart hurt. BUT my actions, weren't expressing this outlook. I was forgetting AT LEAST ONE group of human beings, in my flawed mindset.

My thoughts are all a bunch of mish mosh. All that up there is a small portion of what I learned at Bridges. I became so much more comfortable around the homeless, when I used to be scared of them. I loved volunteering in San Francisco for the week. I loved it so much that I didn't want to stop working at those rehabilitation centers, dining halls, churches, etc. I wrestled a lot with whether or not I should change my major. It seemed so weird to give up journalism. I've always thought that I would be a journalist, in some form. I still may. I prayed a lot about whether or not I was making it my identity. I had to ask myself why it would be so hard to give up that major. There were many reasons, a few of them being: First-God gave me skills in writing; therefore, I need to make use of these skills! Second-What was I going to say to my Grandma, my journalism friends, my parents. The second reason was much less prominent in my weighing of options, but it did cross my mind and I can't pretend that it didn't. I also had to consider what it was that I was getting myself into, not simply what I was leaving behind. This was difficult one. I want to get into the career of helping people. What does that look like as a Christian? That question probably seems simplistic, but I'll explain a little of where I'm coming from.

I have struggled with the question, for a long time, of where the line is drawn between goodness and Christ following. Goodness meaning, in my eyes, compassion obedience and morality. I think that many times I look to goodness in how I live my life. I like to help people because I am compassionate and empathetic. I don't sneak out of the house and tell grand lies to my parents because I strive to be obedient. I don't get drunk, high, have sex outside of marriage, because I strive to have good morals. Where does God play into this? The compassion component of goodness confused me much in thinking about a career in community outreach social work. Or, at least, it has in the past - I now feel like I have a better grasp on the idea. An old youth pastor of mine, when faced with the statement "I wish there was no trouble and hurting," she simply replied, "One day there won't be!" That hit home. One day: we will be living in Heaven for eternity (I hope, unless I have gotten it all wrong in terms of what it means to follow Jesus), and there will be no pain or struggles. Why then am I concerned with the pain and struggles that people are experiencing now? Shouldn't I be attempting to prepare others for ETERNAL painless living, instead of fixing their pain now in this blip of existence? But then what? I disregard anyone who is in pain? I don't get it. I heard another pastor say that people are too caught up in the physical needs of others when really they should be preparing them for the kingdom - the other needs are temporary and unimportant. AND two nights ago I went to a church that I have recently started attending and this pastor yelled (direct quote)

"I'm SICK of hearing about Social Justice! Social justice for social justice's sake. That's CRAP. It's not even Biblical!"

Seriously??? I felt like asking him, what about a company like Invisible Children? Is what they're doing CRAP? They are not a Christian organization; they are pursuing social justice. Freeing child soldiers from an oppressor that they can't face for themselves doesn't seem like crap to me, but maybe I'm way off base. In reading the book of Luke a few nights ago, I found many verses in which the people were told by Christ and his disciples to care for eachother's physical needs. "The man with two tunics should share with him who has none, and the one who has food should do the same." -Luke 3:11. Reading this book reassured me of the fact that God would want me to care for his people. I feel called to help others because that is where my heart is. Perhaps it could even be considered a strength? I don't know if that's the right word for it, but I do think that writing is not the one and only strength God gave me to use in a future career. I am passionate about caring for others, in this lifetime, and in preparing them for their eternal life with Christ. I feel that both are important in God's eyes. That's what I've decided to devote my life to.

Wow this blog jumped all over the place but I'm going to stop here for now.

G A P

Wow. I've changed so much, it's ridiculous. Gosh I have so much to write about. So much going on in my head. So much I could share. Will share. And want to share. I dislike that it's one in the morning and I've been going all day and am exhausted. Things i need to talk about though (hopefully tomorrow): BRIDGES, homeless woman in front of cvs, my alphies, slowly coming out of my shell, contentment, homosexuality, meeting new people. Ok, those are mostly so I can look back and remember what I wanted to write about. Wow wow wow the Big Guy is doing great things in my life.

oh! and P.S. have I mentioned that I'm going to South Africa next semester?? or that I went SKY DIVING? pretty cool experiences that require some attention in blog form, if you ask me.

busy "bee"

I feel like now, even more than during the school year, I should be blogging. It is summer, and I am doing cool things with all the free time, but that's just it. I'm having a lot of fun this summer and am not really taking time to write about all that is occupying my time or thoughts. I'm going to allow myself some leniency for now. Once I start school up again, I can guarantee I'll feel more of an urge to sit down and type out all the thoughts going on in my head. They still exist; they're just not in written form for the time being :] Plus, I need to keep up my writing skills. How can I expect to be a journalist if I don't practice writing? Okay then, more practicing to come soon.

off to enjoy more of summer!
Hope you're doing the same, whoever you are who is reading this.

so very true

"Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at sea. We are far too easily pleased." - C.S. Lewis

prayer request

make that two prayer requests.

-I ask for a hunger for scripture

-and a desire to constantly be yearning to deepen our relationship, Lord.

If anyone else reads this and wouldn't mind slipping me into their prayers tonight too, that'd be nice.

You'll probably think i'm weird for saying this

but i don't care.

I wish, at times, that I were a boy.

Really, there are so many great things about being a female, but a major aspect of what I dont like about it, is the "safety." I'm sure I'm generalizing, so just bear with me for a minute, but what would it be like to walk around at night, on your own, without worrying about safety. I was reading a friends blog, and he wrote about an awesome experience where he was in a foreign country, went wandering about at night, exploring, and ran into a homeless man, whom he then engaged in an amazing conversation until the late hours of the night. I wish. Maybe I could do something like that, but since I have been young, I have been instilled with the idea that it is unsafe for women to go walking about at night, or to talk to strangers, especially random men. Who knows what stronger people may be out there wanting to harm you? Maybe I could be strong, if I worked at it. I've always noticed this difference between boys and girls. I grew up with one brother, and sure, there are other aspects that are factored into individually parenting us, such as first born/second born, and the difference in our personalities, but I don't think the aspect of gender can be overlooked. I can't say that I often, if ever, resented that my brother got more freedom, at an earlier age, than I did; I simply noticed it.

If you know me, then you already know that I love to travel and am passionate about global relief. I want the opportunity to go into foreign countries, explore, meet new, different, amazing people, build relationships, and ultimately do what I can to aid in these countries. Is is possible that I'll allow fear to inhibit me from doing what I feel called to do? Would I choose to not go to a foreign country on my own, because I feel I won't be safe on my own? I'm not going to rely on others to go with me, I'm just going to rely on God. I am making a promise to myself to not allow a fear of safety hinder me from traveling abroad and going on adventures. This is what I feel called to do and I'll make it work, along with a lot of help from my omnipotent Father.

Goodness!

I fail miserably in terms of writing consistently.

Well, disregarding the time I napped on the plane this morning, I have been awake for 10 minutes shy of 24 hours. I came home from Chicago today (which was such a great trip)! I have lots to tell and I'll post pictures too :] But, for now, it bed time. See ya!

Summer = Bliss

I went swimming the day before yesterday
I went running yesterday
I went biking today
I should be a triathlete!
Haha. Not really.
I'm just really enjoying summer and the beautiful weather that comes with it. I love my mom, and the fact that she biked ten miles or so with me today. I LOVE that I got a great deal today on a super cute skirt (the same exact one I wanted from American Apparel for $30, at Target for $9!). I love that I'm getting to spend time with my best friend who I'd kind of lost touch with since being away at college. I'm excited to see a new city on Monday - Chicago! I love hanging out with lots of great people, and I love that summer allows me the time to do so. I love that I finally got a new hairstyle. I love spending so much time with my family! This is really cheesy, but I'm liking being tan too. Haha.

Kind of excited about this

So now that I'm on Summer break (insert excalmation here!), I decided to make a list. A list of things to do when I think I'm bored. Because, I'm convinced that it's a choice to be bored. So, here's some of the things I came up with:

1. Sew 4 aprons
2. paint on canvas
3. play with your doggies
4. go on a bike ride
5. go to disneyland
6. go to the gym
7. go to the park and play with sidewalk chalk
8. download music
9. write letters to APU friends and Marisa
10. read your Bible
11. fly a kite
12. go for a good run
13. ichat someone
14. practice your spanish (and learn more)
15. write a blog (meaningful or fun)
16. call up a friend - see list #2
17. go see a movie
18. watch the entire X-men movie series
19. rent and watch all the Planet Earths
20. go swimming
21. learn a new song on tabs
22. read Jane Austen

To clarify: The four aprons are for my three modmates and me. List #2 contains the names of people I want to be sure to hang out with this summer. And, by tabs I mean guitar tabs (i'm learning).

F R E E

Alice Cooper says it best: "Schoooools out for Summer!"

small break before a BIG one

Sorry I haven't blogged in a good week. I've been super busy with finals and papers. I'm out of school once I turn in my chemistry paper day after tomorrow! New posts will come in a few days for sure.

Have a blessed day.

umm...

Super good day.

It's one of those days that's so great that you'd rather just keep the details to yourself instead of telling someone else, only for the details to come out sounding trivial or meaningless. No, I'll keep today to myself :) But, I will say this. God always has a plan, through and through. I like the times in my life most when I let go of the reigns and let The Big Man take over. It's always a smarter decision on my part. Too bad I'm not always smart enough to do so.

On a different note: Something I've come to realize is that I value personal relationships and people more than academics. I try hard all throughout the year, which in turn results in good grades, but, more often than not, if I have the option of spending an extra hour studying something that i've already spent time on or spending an hour of time with a close friend, I'll choose friend. This probably doesn't sound like much of a revolation - 19 year old girl picks hanging out with friends instead of studying. That's not it at all. I just like a balance. I've just decided not to kill myself to get immaculate grades and neglect all the awesome people around me that I'm blessed to be doing life with. I don't want to look back on college and think "Well, I ended up with an A- in that class instead of a B+ but i didn't have much of a college experience." I know that my school is expensive, and it would be absolutely ridiculous for me to throw away the type of education i'm recieving by slacking off and not trying. Trust me though, I would NOT be able to live with myself if I did. It's not in my nature. I can barely handle getting B's. But that's what I'm letting go of. That perfection. I'm okay with a B every once in a while because I'm learning just as much from the people outside of the classroom, as I am from the textbooks and lectures inside. That's all :)

For the record...

all of a sudden I enjoy going to bed at a reasonable hour. Sometimes 1/1:30...other times even 11/11:30! I guess that's a good change. My body will thank me many years from now.

An update

Likes
-late night chats on the futon with shelby and/or kristen
-the swap meet
-kristen's APU sweatshirt that I'm borrowing
-a new-ish crush (just for fun)
-getting dressed up
-"Home" by Phil Wickham
-my comfy TOMS
-6 1/2 hours of sleep at night
-vanilla tea

Dislikes
-the bump on my lip piercing
-laundry and no quarters
-chemistry
-philosophy
-too late nights

compliments

It's funny how much a compliment can lift your spirits.

For some reason I always remember my favorite compliment. It wasn't about my personality, so maybe that makes it kind of superficial, but I didn't really take it that way. Once, I had someone tell me I had an "electric smile." I loved that compliment because it was genuine, and because I liked what it represented. I love to smile at people, and it's great when they smile back. I like being able to give a small bit of joy to someone else, especially if I don't know them. Plus, electric is such a great adjective! It has so much pizzazz behind it! and energy! I'm an English nerd, and I like diction very much.

Tonight I got a different compliment. It was simple, but it still put a smile on my face. I was told that I looked "lovely." I feel like lovely is such a better word than any of the ones I usually hear boys use. It was true that I had put effort into how I looked that evening, and I found it so sweet of this person to recognize that, and pay me a kind compliment.

That's it. I hope you remember to smile and pay a nice compliment to others as much as you can, whether it be to people you don't know at all, or people whom you truly care about. Either way, it's worth that miniscule amount of energy to make someone feel nice for a minute :)

2:23 am

So it 2:23 am, which means technically its the 23rd, but we'll pretend it's the 22nd and i'm sharing with you, on the day of, that I got a mod! We're super stoked. We were hoping for some other ones, but i know that we were placed here for a reason, and I am beyond excited. Also, I picked classes for the semester. I had planned on taking 16 units but looks like it's going to be 13, considering I only got three of the six classes I had originally intended on signing up for. Honestly, it's probably a blessing. I know i will be busy with alpha and a job next semester, so maybe this is God's way of not having me overwhelm myself. I'm happy about that :) I love knowing that God always has the bigger picture in mind. Sweet.

Ever feel invisible?

I'm sure you have at some point. I think it's something most people struggle with every once in a while, if not more often. I know this much to be true (and it was confirmed, once again tonight)--I don't like being in large groups because I feel invisible. I'm not the loudest, I'm not the funniest, and I don't have the most acquaintances. So, these situations are always just awkward and all of sudden give me low self esteem, when just minutes before I was feeling confident and happy. I found it so weird that I had such a great day today with four true friends, spending hours together, walking around campus, talking, laughing, and listening to music, but the second a got around a group of people who meant nothing to me, I felt unhappy. I cherish my close friends so much. But, then I get around people who are outside of my group of friends, and, all of a sudden, I feel like I'm not enough. The others in the group don't say anything to make me feel this way, and they don't have to. Maybe that's the problem? It's when I get around these groups, that I start to think, "Why don't I have as many friends as so-and-so?" "How is it that there are so many people around, but I'm hardly talking to anyone?" Honestly I usually know the answers to my questions. It takes work to keep us social acquaintances and relationships. I've had friends who spend hours a day on facebook, trying to write on a hundred different people's walls, so they can have a hundred different friends, and have built a hundred different relationships out of thin air. I can't do this. It's absolutely not my personality. It has to be real. And, most times, I'm ok with that. Actually, I like that. I like my close relationships and i like knowing that there is a small group of friends who truly care for me and I them. I'm human though, and some days, the pressures of being a 19-year-old girl get to me. Tonight was one of those times.

Some good stuff :)

Today has been fabulous. I woke up with plenty of time to shower, do my hair, put on some make-up, and get dressed. Lack of stress in the morning is always a nice thing and kind of a rarity for me (considering I tend to oversleep...oops!). So, I left in a good mood, happy and ready for class. But, once I got there, I found out class was cancelled! Sweet! I wasn't going to complain. 

I was already on west campus and now had a whole 1hr and 40 minutes until my next class. I chose to not go back to my dorm, but instead made my way to Heritage court to have a good breakfast. Best cranberry muffin ever! I sat, ate, drank, listened to my ipod and just relaxed there for a while. I really wanted to go outside, so after sufficient time in Heritage, I went and sat outside, listened to some more music, soaked up the sun, and people watched (definitely one of my favorite activities). People are just so funny. Then I spent some time in the computer lab cruising the internet and looking for t-shirts online for Taylor and I to use for The Rescue. It's this saturday and I'm incredibly excited for it. I'll talk about that more about it in a future post. I eventually went to my philosophy class after a bit more time relaxing outside. I finally have learned to like my philosophy class. I could not stand the class beforehand: the prof, the material, the teaching method. I don't know if I've changed or my prof has. Either way, I enjoy it, and am on good terms with the teacher. Thanks God :) 

Done with classes for the day now (just had that one philosophy class) and am back in my dorm. I'm kind of excited because I got a super good deal on a bathing suit I've liked for a while...40% off today and tomorrow only! So, I just made probably my second online purchase ever. I never shop online. I love a good deal though! Now I'm waiting, anxious for 6:00 when Danica gets out of class, so we can look for flights to Chicago! We're buying our tickets today to go see Maddie! I can NOT wait to see the city. It'll be a first!

Reasons why I'm excited today:

1. Cancelled chemistry class

2. Steamy 90 degree weather :)

3. 40% off bathing suit

4. Buying a flight ticket to Chicago today!

5. Registering for my class schedule tomorrow!

6. Picking housing tomorrow!!!

That's right! the day is HERE. Finally going to pick out our mod tomorrow (at least we hope it's a mod). I'll post later how we end up doing in the housing department. Wish us luck!

it's been a while

Gosh it's been a long time since I last blogged. And I was completely aware of it - it felt weird! Anyway, WiFi is a bit of a predicament at my house so I wasn't really online much over spring break. Highs and Lows of break: Highs - spending amazing quality time with the best family in America (mine!), interviewing the communications coordinator for Invisible Children (amazing), going on a 15 mile bike ride (round trip with some shopping in between), falling in love with san diego (i'm moving there after I graduate! or at least I would like to). Lows - Jon's passing was probably the only thing that makes it onto the Lows list. That was tough, but I can't help but feel happy for him now. He was an incredibly amazing beautiful person who knew Christ and is now dancing in Heaven with his Lord and Savior! Sweetness.

Just finished my first week back at school from spring break. What I'm realizing is that I'm not very burnt out on academics yet. I don't feel overwhelmed by the amount of things I have to complete for my classes before the end of the year. Perhaps I should? What I feel like I'm somewhat ready for a break from is consistency. Most days, I go to class at the same time, I eat lunch with the same people, I do some homework, I see the same girls on my hall, I go eat dinner at the same cafeteria, etc. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my school, but I'm really looking forward to the freedom of summer. The opportunity to go on adventures and to explore! There are so many things I want to pick up and do. If all goes as planned, I'm going to chicago this summer to see maddie which i'm STOKED about. Also, Kristen and I are hoping to do a road trip to Colorado to visit her sister and molly. We're doing a couple days in san diego to go see Anberlin and spend some time with kristen's while we're there! I would love to go up to san francisco, especially because of everything taylor was telling me about it. It'd be great to go see the city and visit her while there. And then I hopefully am going to Seattle with my Papa for one of his work trips! He'll do a few meetings and then we can explore the city. Ahhh there's so much I want to do and so many places I want to explore! Oh ya....and maybe get a summer job? and...summer school? duh duh dun. We'll see what i fit in these next three months. I'll keep you posted!

Ugh. I don't even know what to call this.

Am I supposed to be joyous or saddened? Thankful or mournful? How do you respond to the news that a friend of yours has gone to join Jesus and many others in Heaven? It started off in shock, disbelief, and confusion. Then, I felt more panicked. How could this really have happened? And so suddenly? Later on, I felt compelled to be happy for him. He was with JESUS. The ultimate goal. But today...was the worst reaction yet. I finally broke down and cried. Jon Saligumba was one of those people you wished you knew even more. He made you smile, laugh, and just be filled with LOVE! He was filled with love...Christ's love. And that is why i sometimes feel happy for him because I know that he is in heaven :) But, there is no way i can forget the way he affected all of those around him on earth. The handful of memories I have with him are ingrained in my mind, and they'll always be cherished. That's the tricky part - We weren't best friends, but we were friends. He is not someone I talked to on a regular basis, only those sparatic lucky times, so why would I care or notice, right? wrong. I do care. I care for his family. I care for his friends. I care for my friends, who are are going through such a tough time with losing him. And lastly, I care about those fun times I had with him that I'll never have in the future. I'll never get to be scolded by the English sub for dancing and singing "Big Pimpin" too loudly with him. I'll never get to roam the streets the of Paris with him, while listening to the same rockin tunes that I did, after Jon so generously lent me his Ipod. I'll never get to see his infectious smile again, aside from pictures. Or cheer him on as he impressed the whole school with his amazing dance moves in the class comp routines. But, If I care for one more person, aside from his family, his friends, my friends, myself, I'll care for Jon. And in doing so, I'll be happy for him as best I can...because he is in Paradise.

spring break!

spring break spring break spring break spring BREAK!!! yay.
ugh Chemistry and Philosophy tests left my brain fried.
I'd imagine my 5 am bed time last night may have had something to with it as well...
BUT now it's break! and I slept for four hours after my tests (horrible, I know!)
my day was absolutely beautiful after 12 noon today. I was in such a good mood because I finished my tests. Kristen and I sat outside and ate lunch on Cougar Walk. Then we walked to UP to look at apartments maybe for next year (eek! :)) Meagan let us snoop around her adorable apartment, which was fun. Then we walked all the way back, and it was just so lovely outside! Not to mention, I have an amazing roomie. Kristen is just so awesome the way she listens to my constant talking, laughs at me so I think I'm funny....even when I'm not haha, and she even celebrates with me when I finish two ridiculous tests! She's grand.
SO happy to be on break for the time being, even though I adore going to APU everyday!
I'm blessed beyond belief.

I saw something cool the other day...

...I ran across a blog where, periodically, the writer would list her likes/dislikes for the time being. Its her way of chronicling what she's going through. I decided to do the same, and I love the idea that I'll always be able to look back on these posts and remember different times in my life.

Likes
plaid
being outside
alpha
bike riding
raspberrry mango smoothies
meeting new friends in alpha
Acts
hippie sandals
Lisa Ling
good modmates
deep purple nail polish
Ben Folds' "You Don't Know Me"
Adele's "Chasing Pavements"

Dislikes
mass comm paper
my lack of understanding of what justice looks like
extreme complainers

the best day

I had the most beautiful day yesterday, with my mom. I'm so happy just to be around her and I look up to her more than she'll ever know. She is just so strong and so smart. I was so ecstatic she came to visit me!

She had the day off so she decided to call me and ask if she could come pick me up. Of course I said yes, so she picked me up and we went to a really good lunch at Panera (If you've never tried their tomato mozzarella sandwich or their greek salad, I recommend them both to you!). Then we went and got our nails done, which she was super excited about (as was I!) because she had some extra money to spend on manicures...from her bonus! She was really happy about that, and I am so proud of her. She works so hard despite disliking her work. My family is beyond blessed to have both of my parents employed right now while our country is in so much economic tragedy. I'm so grateful that God is taking care of our family. Well we had a good time sitting next to eachother, chatting eachothers ears off (actually that was only on my end), and getting our nails done. To make the time even BETTER, we got some great laughs while sitting there! Somehow a lizard (or gecko, or salamander, or something) had gotten into the shop and the nail ladies were freaking out! There is no way I could describe this in writing and actually do the story justice, but picture this....a 5'5" woman scared of a 5 inch lizard who comes bursting out of the closet with an upside down broom, screaming she's ready to attack. That's all i'll say. It was comical!

Free from time constraints, we decided to spend some time walking off our food at the mall across the street. We walked and talked, and laughed, and looked for presents for my grandma and my mom's best friend. It was a success! And my mother was elated about that. We had such a wonderful time together. After spending over an hour walking around the mall, my mom insisted it was time for some fro-yo from Yogurtland! How could i say no to that? So, with a full belly, i served myself all the best flavors and fruits (pistachio, original, and cherry vanilla yougurt with tons of yummy fruit on top - heaven!). After we sat and finished our yogurt, we headed back to Azusa, still enjoying our time together even as we drove back to my school. On the ride back, we listened to Taylor Swift who my mom loves (as do I). She showed me one of the songs she liked by her, which, coincidentally, i had never heard before. The song is called "The Best Day" and is about how Taylor and her mom used to have the best days together. That's exactly how I felt on this day. Here it is...

I'm five years old,
it's getting cold,
I've got my big coat on.
I hear your laugh,
and look up smiling at you,
I run and run past the pumpkin patch,
and the tractor rides,
look now the sky is gold.
I hug your legs and fall asleep the whole way home.

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall,
I know you're not scared of anything at all,
don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away,
but I know I had the best day with you, today.

I'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean.
I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys,
and we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away,
and we talk and window shop 'til I forgotten all their names.

I don't know who I'm gonna talk to now at school,
but I know I'm laughing on the car ride home with you,
don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay,
but I know I had the best day with you today.

I have an excellent father,
his strength is making me stronger,
God smiles on my little brother,
inside and out he's better than I am.

I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run,
and I had the best days with you.

There is a video I found from back when I was three,
you set up a paint set in the kitchen,
and you're talking to me.
It's the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs.
Daddy's smart and you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world.

Now I know why all the tress change in fall,
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong,
and I love you for giving me your eyes.
Staying back and watching me shine and I didn't know if you knew,
so I'm taking this chance to say that I had the best day with you today.

incomprehensible

I don't know. I've been having a really hard time lately with something. My question can be answered with a simple statement, but I really don't think it's as simple as some people make it. God has the big picture in mind. God has a greater plan. God has a purpose for everything, right? Then WHY (and I say this with extreme emotion) do people suffer the way they do. Please don't assume I'm talking about myself; I most definitely am not. But, honestly, I was brought to tears last night, once again, thinking about our society here in comparison to societies in third world countries. Of course, there obviously is valid, extreme, suffering, here in America as well, but what breaks me so often is the images i see from foreign, less established, countries. I don't understand what makes America function the way it does and, honestly, how our country has all of this money in the first place. Is it because we have big business to circulate money? Then, why can't we build businesses in foreign countries? Is it the government? I honestly have no clue. But why is it that so many people go hungry, shivering, and downtrodden from day to day?? It makes me so MAD!!! Simple-readers digest version-type answer: Adam slipped up, sin entered the world, now there is suffering. And of course, the ever popular supplement to this answer: God has a plan for everything. So, that justifies suffering? I mean, we have a just God, right? How can I believe He is just when there is obviously so much privilege in the world? And it frustrates me how I go to a Christian school that sings songs of suffering, when I really don't feel like I'm experiencing suffering. And, if i want to be able to communicate God's incredible omnipotence and omnipresence to someone who HAS experienced extreme suffering, how do i do that without ever experiencing the suffering that they have endured? I can try. And as I'm writing this, I feel like I'm answering my own question in this area - What if trying is not enough? Answer: Its not, on it own. With God, its enough. Okay, so I know this is a lot of random thoughts. Forgive me for any errors in punctuation and fragmentation. These are just a few of the things I've been grappling with lately.

Everything i want

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, [a]
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called mighty oaks,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

Isaiah 61:1-3

Fun run!

I ran my first 5K today! Strike that. Jogged my first 5K today ;) but it was a lot of fun! I hope I can run some more in the future. They're completely manageable - I didn't feel like I was going to die or anything haha. Well that's one more thing crossed off of my bucket list! Hmm...I think I'll post that right now.

1. Go zip-lining
2. Study Abroad
3. Change someone's life
4. Drive on the Autobahn
5. Crowd surf
6. Fall in love
7. Become a reporter
8. Get married
9. Go to Africa/Asia/South America/Australia/MUCH more of Europe
10. Live in France for a while
11. Have kids
12. Ride an elephant
13. Ride a camel
14. Go to New York
15. See a taping of Saturday Night Live
16. Learn to play at least one song on guitar
17. Go to Boston
18. Volunteer in the peace corps
19. Forgive the way I was forgiven
20. Love others the way I am called to love
21. Go white water rafting
22. Run a 5K
23. Own a bulldog
24. Get published in a major magazine/newspaper
25. Live out God's plan

I wrote this almost a year ago, and there's a ton more I plan to add to it (Guess that defeats the purpose of trying to finish everything on the list haha. oh well.) They're not in any order. Some are specific, some are vague. Either way, its just kind of a good guideline for some of the things I want to do with my life.

Yess!!!

Officially figured out the quickest route to my morning classes :) every minute counts when you're not a morning person.

Oh and to make you giggle, here's a video I saw today...

blessed

I am so blessed to have come to APU and to have made great friends here. Almost everyday i realize how lucky I am to have ended up at this school out of the thousands out there. Today's been a great day. I went to chapel and 3 classes, and still have 2 more. It's also Kristen's birthday!! Last night I brought her Reese's and Oreos (her two favorite snacks, by far!) and a balloon :) I also wrote on the mirrors in the bathroom while she was sleeping last night so she could wake up to them and be surprised. This morning I left her a card on her desk so she could read it before school ( I was still asleep of course - NOT a morning person!) and -bonus!- she loved the shirt i got her! I love birthdays! 

This weekend we celebrated both her and jenn's birthdays at the beach! We got there in the afternoon, laid out, played Skip-Bo! Then, at night, we ate and Ruby's and had a bonfire with S'moreos (s'mores made with Oreos!). After all that, we ate cake and ice cream and Kristen's dad's house in huntington beach. Superrrr fun day with amazing friends :) Here's some pics!

sigh..

I think there are very few things that can top a bike ride while listening to ben folds :) I'm a happy girl. Not to mention, its Friday! Happy weekend everyone, have fun and stay safe

Common Day of Learning

Today was Common Day of Learning at APU which means that all classes are cancelled and, instead, seminars are put on during the day that students have the option to go to. There were SO many to choose from. I could barely decide where I wanted to go because so many looked so interesting! I finally decided to go to one called "HIV, Sustainability, Sexuality and Adventure: Lessons Learned in South Africa." It was incredible. I got insight from four students who went on APU's South Africa semester, on the topics of apartheid, women, and children in that country. The images were almost unbearable, and the facts they presented were unbelievably sad and disheartening. 

- 1 in 5 people in South Africa have HIV, and rape is extremely prevalent in this country. Because of this, most rape victims end up with the life long illness. 

-40-60% of South Africans are unemployed at any given time. For this reason, many women enter into abusive relationships with men who can provide money and food for their children. 

-25% of pregnant South African women are HIV positive.

-Of the children born with HIV, 40% of them will not see the age of 5

That is just a portion of what I learned today. It was so evident that the students presenting had truly been life changed. The seminar really inspired me to do the South Africa semester...maybe spring semester of next year? We'll see what God has planned.

The second seminar I went to was called "Successful Teaching: Four Perspectives." This seminar had four students present on different methods of teaching. I really liked the one that focused on kinesthetic teaching, such as teaching students through a song and dance, or having them go to stations, etc. Just anything that gets them moving! I hope to teach at some point and incorporate what I learned today. I'm really hoping to do Teach for America. It would be such a great experience. Waddup Phoenix, Arizona?! 

Great News!

Sometime in November, I went with a few other girls and picked up ten high school seniors from a school in L.A. and brought them back to APU. We showed them around the school and then helped them fill out college apps and the fafsa, because we knew they hadn't had much help from the school in this area. I was assigned to one boy, named Trevor. I found out that Trevor was actually incredibly smart in math, he even tutored other kids, but had a really hard time in English. He had no idea how to start his admissions essay, so this is where I got to help him - being that i LOVE english! We wrote 3/4 of his essay that day, and then he went home, finished it, and sent it in. He just sent me a message on facebook telling me that he is accepted!! hooray! I don't know if he's planning on going to APU, but at least he got to feel accomplished by being accepted to the university. I'm stoked!!

The things i'm thankful for today...

the warm sun i'm feeling right now

the green grass i'm sitting on

the dancing i did earlier (i have a constant jig in my system! just can't dance enough)

my best friend kristen that i'm sitting next to

no-school-days, like tomorrow!!

smoothies...like the one i'm drinking now

a cool breeze

a good book

life's good, with my amazing friends and family by my side and a Savior who loves me and takes care of me :)

hey

This week's been a pretty tough one. I hate complaining, but in all honesty it really has been, and that's what is going on in my life. All of my classes decided to team up and assign papers, tests, and projects, this week. Thankfully, I gave two presentations today and turned in two essays so a HUGE weight has been lifted. Thank you Jesus. Even though I have been stressed, I have seen God's hand in my life immensely within this past week. The times when I though I would not be able to finish, He gave me will power and energy, or he gave me rest, and allowed me time to finish my assignments later on. I'm dragging right now after getting little sleep last night and developing this cold (yuck!), but I know that God has gone above and beyond providing for me this week especially, and in exchange, I can definitely deal with some sniffles!

I get to rest now! I just finished doing my second presentation a few minutes ago, and now I'm sitting in Heritage Cafe, eating a wrap and my second orange juice for today (got to get that vitamin C for my immune system!). Most importantly, I'm relaxing. I plan on actually sleeping in a bit, once i get back to my dorm, but for now, I'm just reflecting on these past few days that have seemed like a whirlwind.

It seems so long ago that I had my alpha interview, but it was actually just the day before last, and guess what? I think it went well! I got lucky with some of the sweetest interviewers and I wasn't uncomfortable at all. My alpha leader, Rach, met me beforehand to pray with me, which really helped. I went in to the interview thinking that if God didn't want for me to get the position, I wouldn't, and that would be okay. I still don't know whether I got the position or not, but I hope that I can maintain this mindset no matter what the outcome is.

Something else new is I started a ballet class :) I missed it so much and I love it. I've only been to one class so far but I can't wait to go to more! Tomorrow will be my second to last time dancing at an APU basketball game. No team for me next year. The girls are sweet and all, but the games aren't really that enjoyable. I want to explore my options and do other things....like maybe study abroad!

I would love to study abroad second semester of next year, but it all depends on what kind I want to do because some of them require that I be at least a junior. I just recently decided....(and I hope for sure, this time)...that I will be a global studies minor and do a global learning term! In global learning term, you go to a foreign country, all by yourself, live with a host family (that you have to figure out and set up completely on your own), and complete an internship (which, once again, you have to find for yourself). It always sounded so intimidating to me, and it still does, but also interesting and an adventure! I think this is what I want to do, but I change my mind about what I want to study by the day.

This week has been tough, but there have definitely been some enjoyable moments. I got to see God really stepping in to help me in such obvious ways, which is nice every once in a while, because other times, I search for Him but have a hard time. It's reassuring, in a sense. I also realized how surrounded I am by loving friends. My family is completely amazing and I love them with every ounce in me. I miss them when I get busy like this and can't take the time to talk to them. But, thery are not here at college with me, and while here, I have my amazing friends. I cant thank Kristen and Maddie enough for being so supportive and considerate of me while I've been busy with all my homework. Yay for future roomies next year!

I'm writing way too much, so I'll stop here for now. I'm looking forward to my day of rest now - oh, and the chemistry presentation and philosophy exam I have tomorrow haha - oh well :)

Have a nice afternoon.

i like this...

to start

"I never quite understand what i think until i write it down..."

I remember writing about this quote on my first day of AP English. I cant remember who said it or if i have the wording exactly right, but either way, the concept resonated with me then and has never left me. Writing helps me make sense of things. In the end, I always have a clearer view of what I feel and what I think. The concept of personal blogs always puzzled me. Why would anybody document their day to day life for others to read? Who would actually care to read about what I think or do? Well after being inspired by some other blogs I've read recently, I decided to finally start my own. I don't mind if others do not read it, but i will write because it's what i enjoy. And, also, so that one day years from now, I'll be able to look back and see how I've grown up, the lessons I've learned, and how I've seen God move in my life. God works immensely in my life on a regular basis, and yet i fear that i allow his constant faithfulness to go unacknowledged. 

What an awesome time to start a blog. These past few days have been absolutely beautiful. Azusa's finally been blessed with a bit of rain, and i love it! It's my favorite weather ever. Friday, I absolutely couldn't resist, and i went for a bike ride in the rain. It was great! I came in to my dorm drenched and with clothes a much darker shade than they had been when i left for chapel that morning. But, i was happy as could be. All of this rain lately got me thinking about a song we sing in church called "happy day." Its one of my favorite songs, and there's a line in it that says "oh happy day, happy day, you've washed my sins away." I love looking at the rain and how it just makes everything look clean, bright, and new! The ugly sidewalks aren't so ugly anymore...the bushes and trees all glisten and suddenly appear so much greener. How comforting is it to know that God is completely willing to do this for us?! No matter how much i mess up (which i do, a lot, with no logical excuses why), God forgives me and completely washes my sins away. I'm made clean and new. This is a concept i grappled with for a while. For a long time i walked around carrying guilt, which is a terrible feeling. As I've grown up and learned more from listening to people and reading, I've been able to get a better understanding of what this means and what it looks like if i accept God's grace in my own life. I know now that God loves me regardless, and i love him. Because i love him, i want to please him. For the times i don't, i know God is my most reliable, merciful, friend, who will wash my sins away when i ask.